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Hey peeps! This is our combined hentai/lemon fic. We wrote this at school passing a binder back and forth and trying to make it as perverted as possible. Most of the stuff happens to Lita, Mina, and Serena because those are our fave characters. We were actually getting back at each other. Anywho . . . have fun reading!
The New and The Nude
by
RevoGirl, Mina69, and Lita
Serena: Oh no! I’m late! (screams) Why didn’t somebody wake me up?! ’Bye, Mom! Thanks for lunch! Mrs. Anderson: Amy it’s time to head to school. Amy: Thanks, Mom! I’ll see you after computer class. Lita: Oh, I’ve never been so late in my life! I’ll never make it on time! Hey watch it, you idiot! You made me drop my books. Andrew: Sorry, Lita; I can tell you’re in a hurry so I’ll see you later. Lita: ‘Bye, Andrew (thinking) He’s so dreamy. Mina: I gotta get a new place. This one’s so dreary. Artemis? Artemis: Yes, Mina? Mina: I’ve been trying to track the scouts but there’s no sign of them from here, or Luna. I got a tip about Tokyo. Artemis: Do you think you can handle it? The Negaverse has been popping up all over the place there! Mina: I’ve got no choice, Artemis. Those people need my help. We’ll leave tonight. Artemis: Right. Grandpa: Raye, if you ever want to settle in, you’ve got to go to school regularly. Today you’re going, now move it! Raye: Grandpa! Grandpa: No “Buts” Move it or lose it, young lady. All right!? Serena: I’m not late! Hi, you must be the new transfer. My name’s Serena, and this is my friend Amy, she’s a major brain. Lita: Oh, hello. I’m Lita. I am the new transfer. You school is strange. Serena: After school, would you like to come to the arcade with me and play the new Sailor V game? Lita: Sure! Raye: Hi, guys. Grandpa made me come to school today. Serena: Hi, Raye. This is Lita. Lita - Raye. Lita’s new. Raye: Oh, hi! Nice to meet you! Serena: I’m taking Lita to the arcade. Andrew’s working today! Lita: Andrew? I met him last week. I ran into him this morning. He’s so dreamy. Mina: Excuse me, but are you guys by any chance Serena, Lita, Amy, and Raye? Amy: I’m Amy Anderson, that’s Lita Parker, over there is Serena and that’s Raye. Who are you? Mina: I’m Mina. Serena: Oh what a pretty little cat. What’s her name? (Artemis miaows loudly) Mina: Oh, his name’s Artemis. Serena: Why does he have a crescent Moon on his head? That’s the second cat I’ve seen with a Moon. Mina: Second? Serena: Yeah, the other was black and female. (Artemis miaows) Mina: That must have been Luna! Serena: Is she your cat? ‘Cuz she keeps coming up to me so I can get her for you! Mina: Thanks! Serena: Come on! Mina: Luna! It’s Mina! (Luna miaows) Mina: Am I right? Is she the one? (Luna miaows) Mina: Serena, here. Take Luna. Serena: I can’t take your cat! Mina: Trust me! Take her. Serena: What just happened? Luna: You’re Sailor Moon! Mina: I told you, Luna! Serena: That cat just talked! Artemis: We both talk. We’re the guardians of the Sailor scouts. (Mina’s communicator beeps) Mina: Yeah, what is it? Central: Mina how soon can you get back to London? Mina: About two hours why? Central: The Negaverse grabbed your mom. Mina: Artemis?!!! What are you doing? Duh . . . I know that you’re Central, I walked in on you, remember? Artemis: Oh yah . . . That deal about your mom, just a joke. Serena: Hold up a minute. How did you know we were the Sailor Scouts? Mina: Just a hunch. Why? Did you already know? Lita: What’d you think we were, stupid? Raye: Yah, like even! Serena: We found out way long ago. I freaked when Luna started talking to me. So when Luna did her laser thingy, I was playing along. Raye: So which scout are you? I mean . . . Lita: What she means is, you are a scout aren’t you? I mean, I figured with the white talking cat and all, you . . . Mina: Of course I am, silly! Raye: So which one are you? Mina: I’m Sailor Uranus, protector of the weird! I’m gay, don’t ya know? Serena, Raye, Lita: Ewww!!! Artemis: Mina! Mina: Oh, all right! I’m Sailor V. You’ve heard of me, right? Serena: Have we ever! Luna: That’s all Serena lives for. Sailor V this, Sailor V that . . . Artemis: I might want to warn you of a problem Mina has. She lies a lot. You have to be careful about what you believe from her. Mina: Artemis! Artemis: She’s also usually very late, eats tons of junk, is very reckless, and is very absent minded. Luna: It’ll be just like having another Serena around. Serena and Mina: You guys! Darien: Hey, meatball head! Serena: Don’t call me that!! Lita: He’s so dreamy! He looks just like my old boyfriend. Serena: Hello? It’s Darien, the creep! Remember? Lita: Oh, yah! Let’s pulverize him! Raye: Wait! He is not! Serena: Oh you just want his body and money! Stop drooling over him, I command you! Raye: Oh, yah? Stop me! MMAARRSS POWER!! Serena: All right, now I’m steamed. Moon Prism Power! Mars: I am Sailor Mars! Moon: I am Sailor Moon, I will punish you! Mars: Wanna make a bet? Mars Fire! Ignite! Moon: AAAAHHHH!!!! (Tuxedo Mask swoops down and rescues Moon, yet gets knocked out by the blast himself) Moon: Tuxedo Mask! NOOOOOO!! (She cried and her tears starts to crystallize, it glows and colors start flying from around them.) Mina: What the . . . ? Luna: I knew it, those crystals we’ve been fighting for, they’ve relocated themselves and are becoming one! It’s the Emperium Silver Crystal! Maybe now the Moon princess will be revealed! Mina and Luna: It’s Serena! Raye: She’s the Moon princess? Serena: Oh, my Endymion . . . My Darien . . . Darien: Must revenge . . . who did this . . . Serena: Sailor Mars . . . I’ll punish you (kicks, punches, etc.) Amy: Mercury Power! (Transforms) Mercury Bubbles! Blast! Lita: Jupiter Power! (Transforms) Jupiter Thunder! Crash! Mina: Venus of the Moon, transform me! Huh, what’s going on? Why am I not transforming? Artemis: Oh, I feared this would happen. When you were Sailor V, you were thought of as the Moon Princess. That’s where all your powers laid. But now that we know that Serena is the Moon Princess . . . Mars: AAUUGGHH!! Artemis: . . . your powers as Sailor V were stripped away from you. Now you have to remember this - you are Sailor Venus. Leader of the other four scouts and protector of Princess Serenity. Repeat after me: Venus Power! Venus: Venus Power! (Transforms) Venus Crescent Beam! Smash! Moon: In the name of the Moon, for hurting my Endymion - YOU’RE MOON DUST!! COSMIC MOON POWER!! Mars: You haven’t seen the last of me Sailor simps!! Jupiter: About time she left, I was getting pretty tired of her bossiness. Mercury: Yes, me, too. Venus: Whoa, same here. Jupiter: Hey, guys, have you ever wondered what would happen if we combined our powers? Let’s combine our powers! Venus: Let’s try it! Mercury: I guess it wouldn’t hurt if we tried. Let’s do it! *Jupiter Power!* *Venus Power!* *Mercury Power!* *Moon Prism Power!* Moon: Whoa, where are we? Venus: It looks like we’re in a dimension where everything is made up of negative space. Mercury: You idiots! We are in space! What do we do now? Jupiter: You’re supposed to be the smart one, you get us out of this! Mercury: And what was it now? Oh, yah, I remember. And I quote, “Let’s combine our powers!” Jupiter: I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about. Venus: Oh, give up the gig, pretty girl! Ven . . . Moon: Stop! You’re friends remember? Venus: Oh, yah. (Giggles) Mercury: Oh, now this is a most perplexing experience. We can see all of our planets from here. Hmm . . . It’s all too well. Let’s go now. *Jupiter Power!* *Venus Power!* *Mercury Power!* *Moon Prism Power!* Jupiter: Now where are we, Mercury? Mercury: I don’t know. The ground is ashy, almost like the Moon. Venus: Look at the planet. Isn’t it beautiful all green and blue. Mercury: Oh my God! We are on the Moon! Moon: So if we do our powers again will we go back to Earth? Mercury: I don’t know. Jupiter: Hey, what’s that? It looks really strange! (In walks Pickachu the Pokémon) Mercury: I don’t know. Venus: You’re supposed to know everything, you’re the genius! (In flies white Pegasus Pokémon) Moon: Cool, it’s a Pegasus. Pegasus: I am not just a Pegasus. I am Queen of the Northern Pokémon. My name is Katija. (In swoops a black dragon) Katija: Well, King Andron you sure did come quickly. Andron: Yes, I did. But it’s not often intruders are found here. Moon: Intruders? Whaddya mean intruders? I am Princess Serenity of the Moon Kingdom. Andron: Yah, right and I’m the king of Jupiter. Jupiter: Well, she is the Moon Princess and we’re the Sailor Scouts, sworn to protect her and our planet. Venus: Yah, so if you’re looking for trouble, here it comes right back at ya. Let’s double team ’em, Jupiter! Mercury: Wait, wait, wait. I think we need to think with level heads on this. I’ll introduce myself. I’m Sailor Mercury, This is Sailor Venus, Sailor Jupiter, and this is Sailor Moon, the Moon Princess. Andron: I am King Andron, king of the Southern Pokémon. And you’re intruding on Katija’s land so leave. Mercury: Well, we’re not even exactly where we’ll go next if we use the same method as we did to get here Katija: Oh, you poor souls. Andron: Well, try it and see. Concentrate on your home and maybe you’ll get there. Jupiter: I say let’s toast them anyway. Come on, Venus! Venus: Excellent idea, Jupiter! Hasta la vista, weirdoes! Venus Crescent Beam! Jupiter: Jupiter Thunder! Venus: Smash! Jupiter: Crash! (Andron and Katija scream “no”) Mercury: That was brilliant, Lita, why can’t you just wait? Jupiter: I dunno. Venus: It seemed like a good idea at the time. Moon: What are we going to do with Pickachu? Jupiter: I’ll keep him, but what is he doing in our cartoon? Naoko! Naoko’s voice: Yes, Lita? Jupiter: Can you take Pickachu to my house and get rid of that pile of Mars droppings in my kitchen? Naoko: No prob, Bob. Venus: Thanks, you’re a doll! Naoko: Actually, you are! You all are! You have an entire line! Moon: Wow . . . cool . . . awesome . . . Jupiter: Let’s combine out powers! ’Bye, Naoko! *Mercury Power!* *Jupiter Power!* *Venus Power!* *Moon Prism Power!* Jupiter: Now where are we? Venus: Who’s head is up my skirt?!?!?! Andrew: Oh, sorry. Whoa, Sailor V! You’re wearing orange! Venus: Yah, it’s my new look! Jupiter: He’s so dreamy, he looks just like my old boyfriend! Mercury: Shut up, Lita! I mean Jupiter! Andrew: Lita? Jupiter: I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about! Moon: Let’s combine our powers and see where we go this time! *Moon Prism Power!* *Mercury Power!* *Jupiter Power!* *Venus Power!* (they appear in Sammy’s room while he’s jacking off) Sammy: Ohh . . . yeah . . . Whoa! Sailor Moon, what are you doing here? Moon: Oh, Sammy! That’s gross! Jupiter: He’s so dreamy, he looks like my old boyfriend! Moon: Jupiter! That’s my brother! Let’s go! (They all run out of the house screaming) Sammy: Was it something I did? (Malechite appears) Malechite: Hello, girls. How are you this fine morning? I have someone I want you to meet. (Mars appears, all disfigured and smelly) Moon: Gross, Mars! Take a bath! Malechite: Huh, it is rather fragrant today! (Mars staggers towards the group and attacks Venus and Moon T. Mask swoops down and mistakenly grabs Venus, who “accidentally on purpose” finds something else to hold on to.) Mask: What do you say, you and me? Venus: Aren’t you brainwashed by Queen Beryl? Mask: Yah. Venus: Oh, well. Let’s go! (Turns into Mina) Moon: No, Darien! Mina! (In Crystal Tokyo’s time on Nemesis) Diamond: That guy looks exactly like King Darien, and that girl is definitely not Neo-Queen Serenity. Sapphire: No, that’s Sailor Venus, Princess of Venus then. Now she’s Queen of Venus. I’d sleep with her, too, over Serenity anyday. Diamond: Don’t you bad mouth Queen Serenity, Sapphire! Sapphire: I request permission to go to the past, Diamond. Diamond: Sure whatever. Darien: Whoa who’s that guy? Mina: I don’t know, he’s cute, go back to Sailor Moon. ’Bye! (Runs to Sapphire) Sapphire: Hello, princess. Mina: Hi, you’re cute. What’s your name? Sapphire: Sapphire. You’re so beautiful. I love you. Marry me. Mina: Okay, I love you, too. (Sapphire snaps and a ring appears) Mina: It’s gorgeous! Let’s go! Moon: Mina, who’s that? Mina: This is Sapphire. I’m going to marry him. Jupiter: He’s so dreamy, he looks just like my old boyfriend. Mina: Shut up, Jupiter! Artemis: Oh, help a dog! Jupiter: He looks just like my old boyfriend! (Malechite appears) Malechite: Are you prepared to give up the Silver Crystal, now, girls? Mina: Venus Power! (Transforms) Jupiter: He’s so dreamy he looks just like --- wait that’s just Malechite. Malechite: I’m going to get revenge! Venus: Come on guys! Let’s combine our powers! *Mercury Power!* *Jupiter Power!* *Venus Power!* Malechite: Look at the pretty glitter! *Cosmic Moon Power! UNITE!* Moon: He’s toast, burnt toast! Jupiter: I don’t know he kind of looks like a pile of sand. Venus: Hey, Sapphire, let’s get married. Sapphire: Sure thing! Hey since there’s no priest of pastor or hubbub of any kind do you mind hitchin’ us? Moon: I don’t know, it only works when I am my normal self, otherwise, funky stuff starts to happen. I speak from experience. Mercury: Oh? Moon: It’s nothing you need to worry about. Hey where’s Luna and Artemis? (Clawing, scratching and kitty gasps in the Royal Crystal Palace) Moon: I think there’ something in there! Let’s go, be very, very quiet! Venus: It might be the Negaverse! (They walk into the palace) Venus: Artemis! Moon: Luna! Everyone: EWWW! Mercury: And they’re on Queen Serenity’s quartz shield! Jupiter: Oh cool! Luna and Artemis are getting it on! Kitty Tango! Feline Twist! Cat Hokey Pokey! (Luna and Artemis stop and stare) Venus: Really, you two! If you were horny you didn’t have to be rude and leave to do it, you should have waited for us so we could watch you! Sapphire: Yo! Hey, Babe, I’ve got needs of my own here, you mind taking care of them? (Points down, pointing North) Venus: Honey, that’s for after the wedding, you silly poo. Sailor Moon, wed us, NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Moon: Okay, okay! *Disguise Power! Turn me into a wedding priest!* Sapphire: You know what would be good? Venus: If you talk during her transformation, her powers will be distracted and she’ll turn into something else! (Transforms. Everyone stares) Moon: Hey, I said priest, not Sex Kitten! Sapphire: Let’s get hitched as soon as possible I’ve got needs! Moon: Botta-bing botta-boom, you’re wed. Let’s go now! Jupiter: Question: How? Mercury: Let me analyze it on my computer. (Beep, beep, beep) Oh! It looks like all we have to do is use a teleportation. But just combining our powers won’t work. We have to go through the old time passageway. And look! I see the door. Jupiter: Like, way cool! Let’s go! (They walk up to the door, it opens, and they walk in it) Pluto: Trespassers! I will not let you go! You must die! But hold on a minute, I just have to zip my skirt and tie my bow. Touga: Well, Tuxedo Mask, you and Sapphire look a lot a like, but I think you may be cuter. Moon: Touga Kiryu! Touga: Not so hot yourself. Pluto: As I was saying, you must die! Oh, its’ you. Keep your mind set on your destination. Don’t whack off, yadda, yadda, yadda, you know the deal. Jupiter: He’s so dreamy, he looks just like my old boyfriend. Pluto’s not so bad either, not that I’m interested or anything. Venus: Jupiter?! Anyway, let’s go! (They go and fly through and land right in front of Raye’s temple in the night time) Moon: Well, if that wasn’t just too weird! (They turn back into their normal selves) Darien: Uh-oh! We have a problem! Mina: How cute! Amy and Pickachu swapped places. This could be the work of only one group: The Amazoness Quartet! Lita: He’s so dreamy, he looks just like my old boyfriend. Except way cuter! Mina: Uh, Lita, they’re girls. Lita: Not them, Pickachu. He’s all I could really wish for in a man. Short yet, not South . . . Serena: Hey guys, what’s that sound? Mina: It might be the Negaverse! Artemis: Let’s go! (They run to Serena’s house and into Sammy’s room) Serena: Sammy! Rini: Melissa! (They um, you know) Sammy: Oh, Oh! Yes! Yes! DON’T STOP!!!!! Melissa: Uh, uh, uh! Sammy: Was it good for you? Oh, Serena and her friends are in here. Don’t be rude, come join us. All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lita: Well, on second thought, okay! Mina: Lita! Remember Andrew! Serena: I’ll take Lita’s place, Sammy! Move over! (Serena strips and gets in bed) All: SERENA!!!! Serena: Hey, we’re family! Mina: You are so rude! Wait for me! (She strips and jumps in) Me first! Serena: Well . . . I don’t think I’ll take part. (She puts back on her clothes and leaves) Mina: Now that she’s gone, let’s do it! Sapphire: Hey, I wanna do it, too! (He gets in, Lita leaves and Amy joins Mina) (Sammy wakes up) Sammy: Ahh . . . what a dream! Melissa: Oh Saammyy!! (Mina and Sapphire are at the park on a bench over looking the lake.) Sapphire: Come to the future with me, Mina. I want you to meet my brother, Diamond. Mina: Okay, but let me tell the others. (Flips top on communicator and pushes a button) Serena: Domino’s Pizza? Mina: You’re funny. I’m going back to the future with Sapphire. Tell Lita. Serena: Lita’s busy giving Touga a blow job. Mina: No fair! Serena: Just kidding! It’s my turn now! Mina: ’Bye! (Sapphire and Mina disappear and arrive on Nemesis in Diamond’s castle) (Mina is wearing a light orange gown like Rini wears when she’s the princess) Mina: Your highness (curtsies) Diamond: Sapphire? Sapphire: Diamond, I’d like to present Princess Mina of Venus, my wife. Diamond: Is she a . . .? Mina: Of course. (Emerald appears) Mina: Emerald! Sapphire? Sapphire: Go ahead! *Venus Crystal Power! Make-up!* Emerald: Sapphire, you idiot! You brought Sailor Venus to the future now she’ll always be able to turn into Super Sailor Venus in the past! Sapphire: Yah, and she’ll trash you, you green-haired bitch! Diamond: Go, Sapphire! Sapphire: Mina, honey. That longer bow makes you sexy! Venus: Thanks, Sweetie, Give me a kiss! (She uses her new power and trashes Emerald) Venus: Sapphire, bring Lita here, please. Sapphire: Sure, but why? Venus: Because she’s my friend and when we double team I don’t want to be stronger than her. (Lita appears) Venus: Lita! Transform! *Jupiter Crystal Power! Make-Up!* Jupiter: Whoa! Cool who’s the guy on the throne? Venus: Prince Diamond or the guy on the toilet? (Rimshot, groans) Jupiter: He’s so dreamy he looks like my old boyfriend! (King Darien and Queen Serenity appear) Darien: Is Rini here? Venus: Wow, Darien, you got old. Darien: Hello, Mina, Sapphire. I’m sorry but I thought you were on Venus? Whatever you did there you still look as young as always. If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were from the past. Lita, how’s Andrew? Jupiter: Huh? (In walks the future Mina and an older Sapphire and Lita and Andrew) Sapphire: Shit! I went to far! Mina and Venus: Whoa, cool. Nice hair! Lita and Jupiter: You impostor! I’ll kick your ass! Sapphire (old): Went to far, huh? Sapphire (young): Yeah, time travel’s a bitch. Mina: Tell me about it! Venus: Sapphire, bring Serena, Rini, and Darien here, please. Sapphire (young): Why doesn’t she just use her time key? Jupiter: Bring Andrew! (Serena, Rini, Darien, and Andrew appear) Lita and Jupiter: He’s so dreamy, he looks just like my old boyfriend. Andrew (old): I was your old boyfriend I am now, too. Lita: I know and you still look as good as ever. Andrew (young): Okay, Jup, what’s the scoop? Why are we here? Jupiter: Sapphire brought us to the future. Andrew (young): Oh, cool. Venus: Okay, back to why we are here. Serena: Why are we here anyways? Sapphire: To introduce my wife to me brother and so Venus and Jupiter could turn into Super Sailors. Serena: Okay, what about me and Darien? Venus: Oh, y’all are just fun to tease! (Background you hear groaning and Serenity screams) Venus: It could be the Negaverse! Jupiter: What the fuck is happening here? Rini: I think that’s exactly what’s happening! (Look around and see King Darien and Serenity in the nudy patooty) Mina: Don’t look, Rini! Lita: Avert your eyes! Moon: I’m going to do that? Lita: Hey, where’d you come from? Wow, what’s with the outfit? Moon: A little while ago, Queen Serenity came into the past. She gave me this time travel key and when I transformed I went into a little fiasco and my outfit went bizarre. She told me “You are now known as Eternal Sailor Moon” Cool, eh? King Darien: Hey, nice legs . . . . Moon: ANYWAY . . . When I came into the future I had to go to Sailor Pluto. And I think she was a little busy at the moment there I also got this nifty little power that lets you see whatever I saw. *Moon Mirage Presentation!* (blurs to past, Sailors look ghost-like) Jupiter: Hey, what’s that? (Points to clear, hot dog shaped piece of plastic) Venus: I don’t know let’s investigate! Sailor V, no, Detective V to the rescue! I’ll sneak up on it and surprise attack it! (Sneaks up and picks it up) Eeewwwwwwww!! It’s all icky and slimy! Mercury: Picka . . . Picka . . . Pickachu! Luna: That’s right, Mercury, that is a substance that appears to be a protective force made with soft, silky-like plastic by the Negamoon! Venus: I’ll keep holding it right here in my hand! Smells so crisp and clear! Artemis: Hey, listen . . . Venus: It might be the Negaverse! Luna: Hey, where’s Amy? (Sees her peeking behind the door of time) Moon: I wouldn’t go in there if I were you! Venus: It wouldn’t hurt to try. Jupiter: Whoa! (3 female figures - Pluto, Uranus, and Neptune - and a red-headed figure - Touga are like, you know) All: Uh,. Uh! Oh yah! Don’t stop! More, more, MORE! YAH! AAUUGGHH! Jupiter: Hey, guys! Let me try . . . Nah, I don’t want to be anywhere remotely close to those homos, Uranus and Neptune . . . Hey Venus, I think we know what that mystery weapon is. Venus: mmph, mmph, mmph . . . (has it in her mouth) Artemis: Get that out! It’s a condom! Jupiter: Taste good? Venus: Eeew! I had that in my mouth? Anyway, tasted like strawberries. You should try it, want to? Jupiter: No thanks, I think I’ll leave that one up to you, I found this one over there. (Holds up and stuffs into mouth) This one tastes like grapes! Venus and Jupiter: We could do this all day! Moon: Guys, stop it! See that one? . . . Uranus: Hey, Moon, your back, wanna join us again? Moon: Er, um, you know what? I don’t think so. Touga: I must say, you were better than that Mickey fellow. Did you ever know what happened when his sister left? Now that sister of his she was a real gem. T. Mask: But, Touga! You said you loved me! (Jupiter and Venus blow bubbles with condoms) Touga: Oh, me and Darien go way back. I was there when he had his sex change! T. Mask: Touga! You promised not tell anybody! Venus: Wait a minute! If Darien used to be a girl, then how is he the father of Rini? Moon: Well, actually he’s Rini’s mother, I’m Rini’s father. Venus: Oh, that makes sense. Jupiter: What happened to Andrew? (They hear male screaming and groaning) Venus: It might be the Negaverse! Jupiter: (calmly) No, it’s just the past and future Andrews butt-fucking each other. (Amazed) Andrew, what the fuck is going on here?!?!?!?! Venus: Exactly. (Chibi-Chibi walks in) Chibi: Chibi! Amy: Picka!! Chibi: Chibi!!! Amy: Picka!!!! Chibi: CHIBI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Amy: Picka . . . (real meek) Seiya: Hey, Chibi, c’mere. (They walk off) (Amy disappears) Moon: Where’d Amy go? (Amy walks back in with Mickey, 8 months pregnant) Venus: Amy! Amy: Picka! Mickey: Touga! Hey baby! (Touga hides behind Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto) Saturn: What in the hell is going on here? I found Seiya trying to get in Chibi-Chibi’s pants! Sapphire: Child molester! Moon: What do you call Mina? Sapphire: Darling. (Scouts change to normal) Serena: Let’s get out of here! Darien: Right we’ll do it together. Serena: But that’s for later. And we couldn’t leave Lita out, she’d be devastated. Lita: I’ll just call Ken! Mina: Can we go home? I could use some cheesecake! I’m tired! Serena: Yah, we could gorge ourselves! Mina: What’ve ya got - a black hole for a stomach?!?! Serena: Like you’re any different, crater mouth! Mina: Rude! Let’s go! Lita: Let’s combine our powers! *Moon Crisis Make-up!* *Venus Crystal Power! Make-up!* *Jupiter Crystal Power! Make-up!* *Pluto Crystal Power! Make-up!* *Saturn Crystal Power! Make-up!* *Neptune Crystal Power! Make-up!* *Uranus Crystal Power! Make-up!* (The others combine their powers.) (Outside the bakery.) Venus: We actually ended up in the right place! Come on! I got an idea! (Mina, Lita, Amy, and Serena run in) Venus: Excuse me, do you know who we are? Clerk: Huh? Venus: I am Super Sailor Venus! Jupiter: And I’m Super Sailor Jupiter! Moon: I am Eternal Sailor Moon, Queen of Crystal Tokyo! All: We are the Sailor Scouts! Amy: Picka! Clerk: Okay. (Under breath) Freaks. Jupiter: What?!?!?! I’ll kick you ass for that! Ken: Wow, it’s the Sailor Scouts! Jupiter: Hi, Ken! Ken: How do you know my name? Jupiter: Well, jeez, it’s not like I didn’t see that picture of you in Playboy, Ms. October. Ken: Oh, yah, you were Mr. October in Playgirl! Hey wanna see the new stock of scones, if you get my drift . . . Jupiter: Sure, let’s go! (run off hear strange noises in back room) Moon: Hold a sec . . . Venus: Mr. October? T. Mask: Ms. October? Artemis: Oh, I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. Luna: We just have to tell them . . . Venus and Moon: Tell us what?!?!?!?!?!?! Artemis: Lita and . . . Luna: Artemis! Artemis: Right, Jupiter and Ken are transsexuals. Moon: EEEWWW!!! Venus: I was wondering why she had that bulge in her crotch. Amy: Picka!! Picka!!! PICKA!!!! Venus: Oh, no! She’s in labor! Quick someone help her! Wait before anything else happens, I have to say . . . I also lead an alternate life style. THAT’S RIGHT SAILOR Venus IS GAY!!! A F-- Artemis: Venus, you weren’t supposed to tell . . . Sapphire: But, Mina! Why did you say that? Venus: The same reason Artemis called Jupiter and Ken transsexuals. He has escaped from the same mental asylum Sailor Moon did. I did it to get him to lower his guard! Jupiter: Why is she leader then? Venus: I dunno. Let’s tie her up! Darien, too! (They tie them up) (The older Venus, Jupiter, Sapphire, and Andrew appear dressed in fancy royal clothes) Venus: The future is changing! Mina: I am Neo-Queen Mina and this is Neo- Queen Lita. We are the new rulers of Earth. Venus: Oh, yeah! I’m queen! I’m queen! Jupiter: Hey, so am I! So don’t start getting cocky! Amy: PICKA!!!!! Jupiter: Oh, yeah, Amy’s still having a baby! Luna, help her! Luna: But, Miss Scarlett, I don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ no babies! Venus: Stop acting out parts from Gone With the Wind and get your act together, Luna! Well, anyway I think all you have to do is stand there and catch! Amy: PICKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jupiter: I’m going to go get that fucker Mickey and make him do the job. Be back in a jif. *Jupiter Crystal Power! Make-up!* (goes back in time and brings Mickey back) Amy: PIIIIIIIIIIIIICKAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (pant, pant, pant) Venus: I don’t think anything’s popping out of there. So I’ll help her! Nurse Venus to the rescue! Jupiter, can you help me, please? Jupiter: Nurse Jupiter reporting! Well, whadda we do now? Venus: Well, we gotta cut her open and pull out the thing inside. (Jupiter pulls her handy cake server out) Jupiter: Ya, think this is sharp enough? Sapphire: Don’t you need anesthesia? Jupiter: If you can find some we’ll use it! Venus: No, it’s not sharp enough. Go get that butcher knife over there! Amy: Picka?!?!?!? Venus: We’ll need something to sew her back up with. Andrew: Nurse Jupiter, don’t you have one of those mini sewing kits in your purse? Jupiter: Yah, but I didn’t bring it with me. Amy: PICKA!!!! Venus: I think that means she’s having the baby and it hurts. Jupiter: Andrew, go across the street to the butcher’s and get some of the string they hang meat up with. We’ll just have to poke holes with the knife. Although an ice pick would be better. Andrew: I’ll try to find both for ya, kay. (Runs out) Venus: I wonder, what’s got everybody running away for? Jupiter: Oh guys cannot stomach pain, even if it’s not even theirs. Andrew: I got the knife! Venus? Are you ready, Nurse Jupiter? Jupiter: Ready, Nurse Venus! (Cuts open Amy out pops Pickachu and Chu-Chu and she is magically healed up again) Amy: I have my voice back! I’m not a Pokémon! Jupiter: Man, my feet are really killing me! (Takes off shoes, shrinks 3 feet) Venus: Jupiter! You shrunk! Jupiter: Yah, I’m normally wearing my special shoes. I’m really short. Venus: Being short is nothing to be ashamed of. Look at Sailor Moon. She’s tiny! (Hear groaning and mooing) Jupiter: What the fuck? Venus: It might be the Negaverse! (runs into backroom) Venus: Oh no! Queen Beryl’s back!? Jupiter: Back? We never destroyed her! Venus: She turned Sailor Moon into a cow and now she’s Sailor Moo! And Prince Darien’s wearing a sailor outfit. He’s Sailor Earth and Queen Beryl’s giving him a blow job! Darien: Ooh, Beryl, Baby, come on!! Oh, YES!!! Beryl (gulps):Oh, Prince Darien, you’re mine! Darien: Okay, but I’m thirsty. (Sticks head under Sailor Moo and drinks) Venus: Darien, no! Sapphire: Mina! Venus: Sapphire! (Jumps in his arms) Venus: Take me home, baby! Jupiter: I got an idea! You know what we haven’t done in awhile? Let’s combine our powers! Old Raye sounding voice: Sailor Moon, I’m going to get you. At the same time: Venus, Jupiter, and Mercury: Sailor Mars! Serena the cow: Mooooo!! Sapphire: Grandma? Raye: Where is she? Nice cow, Lita! Serena the cow: MOOOOOOOOOO?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Jupiter: Let’s double team her, kay, Venus? Venus: Sure why not? But if you mess up my hair I’ll hurt you. (In back ground Chibi, Pickachu, and Chu-Chu are fighting) Jupiter: Jupiter Thunder Dragon! Venus: Venus Love Chain! Jupiter: Attack! Venus: Encircle! Raye: I’ll be back, Sailor Scouts! (Serena the cow gives the pile of Raye dirt a dirty look. Then she walks over to Sailor Earth and nudges him in the family jewels.) Serena the cow: Moo . . . (sing song) Darien: That’s for later! Hey, now we both squirt out white stuff from between our legs! Venus: Let’s turn Serena back! I’ve got something to try. Jupiter: That’s the Crescent Moon Wand! Venus: I am going to incorporate its powers into my love chain and heal her. *Venus Love Chain Healing! Activation!* (Serena turns into Serena the hyena) (Serena the hyena laughs nonstop) Venus: Didn’t work! I’ll try again! *Venus Love Chain Healing! Activation!* (Serena turns normal) Serena: Wow, thanks, Venus! I can see why you are Queen of the Earth! You’re so smart and pretty. I wish I could be Sailor Venus! (Glittery stuff appears and Serena and Mina change bodies) Mina: Oh my God! Hell no!! I hate pigtails! Please NO! ANYTHING but THIS!! Change me BACK, PLEASE!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jupiter: Let me try something. I call upon the powers of Jupiter change back the two switched identities upon impact! Jupiter Crystal Healing! Activation! (They change back) Mina: I’m saved! Oh, Jupiter, you’re a good friend. Now I have to go! (Sing song) Oh, Sapphire! Jupiter: Wait! Let’s kill Queen Beryl! (Both put hand on Moon Scepter and use it) Beryl: No, you can’t defeat me! This can’t be happening! (Crumbles up) Amy: Great again with the droppings! Mercury Bubbles Blast! Jupiter: Oh, shit! Great now it’s foggy! I have Beryl in my hair! This stuff’ll never rinse out! Venus: Wait we forgot the cheesecake! We got distracted! Let’s get it! Artemis: You’ll get fat! Venus: Shut up! Venus Love Chain! Encircle! (Ties and gags him) That’ll teach him! Let’s go! (They all gobble down cheesecake) Moon: Hey, Venus, ya know all that stuff I said about you being pretty and smart and whatever? Well, I lied! Hee, hee, hee! Anywho, you’re not supposed to use my scepter or my wand! Since you were so rude and used it without me I’ll take back the Venus Wand! Yours, too, Jupiter! Jupiter and Venus: Oh, please, please, pleeeeeaaassseeee!!! Moon: oh, okay! But if they are ever used against me, you will be destroyed forever! Pluto: There you are! (points to Jupiter and Venus) I told you not to do it again! Moon: Do what? Pluto: They stole my . . . Naoko: Uh hum Pluto: Excuse me, Naoko’s props, and dressed up as “Neo-Queens” Saturn: Oooh, ah, eehhe . . . !! . . . Jupiter: Whoa! I’m back! Venus (high): That Sapphire, that’s one great man . . . great ass . . .nice peni- Saturn: OOOHHH!!! Luna: Looks like she’s turned on again! Artemis, Moon, Venus, Jupiter: What??!! Luna: Well, every time she gets turned on she goes into “OH” spasms. (Saturn goes ballistic) Saturn: Oh, you all must die! You, two, Neptune and Uranus! I’ve always been forced into your menage á trois, but I will no longer! *Glaive Death Scream Shatter!* I hate you all, you sick-gay-wad-condom-blowing-cheesecake-eating freaks! I will vanquish you! (Glaive goes around and around encircling them) But first some fun! (Ties up Venus, Jupiter, and Moon) Hey, Sapphire, remember last night? That was fun, right? Sapphire: It sure was! I just want to do it again! Darien: Not without me, y’all aren’t! I wanna have fun, too! Saturn: We have business to take care of first. I call upon the planet of death and disaster: *GLAIVE ENCIRCLE AND DESTROY! SATURN SUPREMACY ATTACK!* (Everyone except Andrew, Darien, Sapphire, Venus, Moon, Jupiter, and Saturn are destroyed) Jupiter: My Andrew! Venus: My Darien! Oh, wait! My Sapphire! Moon: Oh, chill, we knew they were all gay wads anyways! Jupiter: Yes, but he was my gay wad . . . . (whine) Venus: He was only good for sex anyways . . . but man, oh, great ass! Jupiter: We gotta get out of this! *Jupiter Oak Evolution!* Moon and Venus: Aauugghh!! Be careful those volts hurt! Jupiter: Oops! Well, at it worked. Venus: Uh, hey, dumb ass, it didn’t! Leave it to Sailor V! *Venus Crescent Beam! SMASH!* (they’re free) There is nothing a little V can’t get rid of! Moon: Wow! Now we have to put all of the stuff we learned in the asylum together! *Cosmic Moon Power!* *Cosmic Venus Power!* *Cosmic Jupiter Power!* Moon: UNITE!! (The foursome is destroyed) They’re gone! Blasted back to the Negaverse, finally we have a chance for peace, real bedroom peace! Venus: Okay, um I don’t want bedroom peace without Sapphire! Cosmic Venus Healing! Activation! I call upon the powers of Venus of love and healing! Bring back Sapphire and not all yucky, either! (Glittery stuff and Sapphire is back) Venus: Sapphire! (Runs up and hugs him.) (Chibi-Chibi who escaped the massacre comes in with Chu-Chu, her Latin lover) Chibi: CHIBI!! Jupiter: She says she’s going to kill us! *Jupiter Thunder Dragon! Attack!* *Venus Meteor! Shatter!* Chibi: CHHHIIIBBBIIIII!! (She disappears into Chibi droppings) Venus: Great! No I’ve got Chibi stuck on my shoe! Moon: Your fault! Venus: All right! I’ve had enough of your shit! *Venus Love Chain! Encircle!* (Sailor Moon screams hideously, floats above their heads but Sailor Venus thinks that she is dead) Venus: Now its just, Sapphire, me, and Lita. What shall we do with her? Jupiter: Don’t do anything you’ll regret! Venus: I wouldn’t hurt you! Isn’t it about time to wake up the Earth? (Jupiter and Venus change into Queens and awaken the Earth. They step outside and float above the crowd of confused people) Venus: We are your new leaders, Neo-Queen Mina, this is Neo-Queen Lita, King Sapphire. We have rid the world of evil and jealousy and now we will lead you to the glorious future of Crystal Tokyo! (Cheers) (Sailor Moon comes back!) Moon: Okay, guys! That was not funny! (Changes to Serena, everyone laughs.) Sammy: Serena’s Sailor Moon?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Gross!!!! I’ve been having wet dreams about my sister?!?!?!?!?
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